last week

Last week, the news of Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain's deaths hit me really hard. Kate Spade is one of my favorite designers. I adore the classic minimalist style of her bags. She doesn't shade away from bright colors and bold polka dots and stripes, which are all right in my personal aesthetics. I have three bags from her that I rotate throughout the year so that I always carry her with me. I'm not a huge Bourdain fan, mostly because I never really watched his show, but I respected who he was and what he stood for. He seemed like a wonderful man who did wonderful things. To have 2 really public suicides int he course of a week struck me hard.

The truth is I've dealt with suicide ideation and overwhelming thoughts of death. In fact only the week before these two died, I had had a horrible day where I thought a lot about death and dying. I've never made any attempts to harm myself, but my depression often manifests in thoughts about death. I wonder what will happen when I die and who would actually mourn me. It's dark and gross, and I really struggle hard to push those thoughts away. Seeing so much about suicide in the news, well it made everything worse.

Depression is a really horrible beast that you fight every single day. Some days, I have really excellent days spent with friends or family doing cool things and I feel so loved. Those days, depression loses and I go to bed feeling great. The next day as my alarm goes off, I have no motivation to get out of bed. It's physically difficult, and I know my day will be long and groggy and a vague cloud of sadness will follow me around. Those days, depression gets the best of me. Everyday, it's a new fight and a new battle.

There are things that help. Medication, therapy, and friends and family who love and take care of you. I'm blessed to have access to all of these things. I can afford medical services to help me, and I have a close knit group of people who continue to prove their love for me. Some days I see these things clearly and am grateful. Other days, I forget that they are here to help me. I can recognize my privilege and know that I am so incredibly fortunate. I can also recognize that pain is pain and sometimes things really suck.

I'm doing okay today. I hope I will continue to do okay tomorrow. On days I do poorly, I will hope the next day is better. I'm working through my problem and trying to get every type of help in my arsenal so that I can battle this beast as best as possible.

To Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain, I wish only peace. To their friends and family, I wish only love and healing. To myself and to you, I wish for hope. I wish for some light. I wish for more good days than the bad days. I wish that we keep holding on.

Here's a selfie I really like of myself from last week. I felt beautiful and happy, and I'm still trying to chase that feeling every single day.