to my dog

When I was a baby, my first word was "deedee." Like most first words, it was a bit of a nonsense word, but really just the first sound I was able to make and use to mean something. For me, deedee meant dog. If you know anything about me, it's unsurprising that the first thing I wanted to talk about was dogs. I love dogs so much. To me, they are absolutely perfect animals. I've spent my whole life with a family dog. First was Willy, the dog my parents had when I was born. Then came Buddy.

The day we brought Buddy home!

For some reason, I was obsessed with yellow labs. I was convinced this was the dog my family needed to get, and when Willy died, I was absolute that we need a lab. My parents found a breeder that church friends had recommended, and when went to meet her. The breeder was crazy and her house was an absolute nightmare, but her dogs were beautiful, and in April 2004 we went to pick up our new puppy. My parents told me I could could pick. One puppy hid in the corner and seemed terrified of the world. Two puppies kept fighting with one another. The last puppy walked over and started chewing on my shoelaces. He was the one. I named him Buddy.

Hanging with my best Bud in the backyard

Just like my obsession with yellow labs, I was convinced that Buddy was the best dog name. I know, I was quite unoriginal. But let me tell you, no dog will ever live up to this name as well as Buddy did. He was the friendliest dog in the world. He was a constant companion to my family, and he had a knack for knowing when you just need him to rest his head on your lap. He was there for me when my parents got divorced and it felt like my life was falling apart. He sat next to my mom when she and her siblings said goodbye to my grandfather on his death bed. He was always up for a long walk, and he absolutely adored going for a swim.

 

Two of Buddy's favorite things: my mom and the creek

Buddy had his quirks too. He couldn't go down a lot of stairs, which we always blamed on a depth perception problem. He always sat in strange positions with his hip popping out and one of his back legs displayed; my mom called this his "sexy leg." He would get randomly possessive of my mom, especially around strange men and start barking. Of course this protective nature was perfect when I went to college, and my mom lived alone. And of course, it often took him a minute to calm down and attempt to befriend the stranger.

from my senior photos photoshoot

Last year, Buddy's health started to slowly decline. His vim and vigor that had never faded in his old age was slowing down, and he had difficulty walking. We had a big scare with his health where my mom and I almost decided to put him down, but then he suddenly bounced back. I worked from home, my mom cancelled her trip, and we spent a long weekend together just the three of us. It was really beautiful. Then I returned to my apartment. My mom went to work and came to find Buddy had died. I came home immediately and spent the night grieving with my mom. The vet came and took Buddy's body away and it was one of the worst moments of my life. Buddy was an old dog and he wasn't doing well. I spent this last week on Earth with him. I don't have regrets about that but it was terribly sad all the same. For thirteen and a half years, this dog was one of my best friends and saying goodbye was terrible. I still miss him so much. My mom's house is so empty without him.

 I'm so sorry Buddy for always making you pose for the ~aesthetic~

Today is Buddy's birthday. He would have been fourteen which is ancient for a lab. I don't know why dogs have such a shorter life span than humans. It's a cruel twist of fate that they come into your lives, provide so much joy and comfort, and then leave you when you have so much time left. The past few years has seen a lot of grief in my life. I've said goodbye to many family members, my pseudo-godfather, and stood by friends as they grieved loved ones. It's been tremendously hard on me as I already grapple with depression to face so much death and dying. Buddy's death came as a sucker punch to me when I least expected it. A few weeks after his passing, I had a major panic attack and it felt like my life had slammed into rock bottom. I didn't even have a dog to comfort me.

The last photo I took of Buddy, 100/10 best dog ever

I'm still working on my grief and even more so on my depression. Life has been moving on regardless of my emotional state, and I'm watching friends who've lost so much completely thrive and succeed in their lives. It makes me so happy to know there's way to move past these hardships and there's light at the end of the tunnel. I know Buddy was just a dog, but he meant so much to me. I'm grateful to have had him as my pet, and I know every dog owner says this, but he was truly the best dog ever. Happy birthday to my Buddy, up somewhere in dog heaven with Willy, Max, Orla, and the other dogs I've loved so well in my life. Keep a look out for my other loved ones, and let them know how much my heart misses them too.

a gratitude reflection

This week, my doctor told me that I can slowly transition from walking with my boot, to walking on my own. It was the most wonderful Valentine’s present I have ever received. Two weeks before Christmas, I fell getting off a bus and broke my ankle. A week after the break, I had surgery on my ankle where two screws were put in my ankle to keep my risk of developing arthritis low. I spent six weeks post surgery living on my mom’s couch where she did everything for me: cooking for me, helping me bathe,  getting me to and from work. For two weeks now, I’ve been living on my own and slowly adjusting to some independence. It’s amazing and I certainly missed it, and soon I’ll be back to walking without any aid at all!

The whole situation has been really overwhelming. I had never had surgery before this (besides dental). I had never broken a bone before. I hadn’t lived with my mom basically since high school. Everything changed for me, and knowing myself it was hard to keep a positive attitude. However, I tried my hardest. I’m grateful that I had a job that gave me great health insurance and understanding bosses. I’m grateful for my amazing friends who sent me aid from near and far. I’m grateful for my dad for going to every doctor’s appointment with me so far. And I’m so grateful to my mom. She did everything for me for a month and a half, and I can’t really thank her enough for what she did.

In spite of the hardships of the past few months, I’m trying hard to be grateful. To focus on the good instead of the bad; frankly, I’ve got it very good. After all, I’ll be walking all on my own soon!

Here's me rocking the boot at Galentine's last night with my friends. It was a great fashion statement, but I cannot wait to be able to wear matching shoes again!

my favorite podcasts

Hello, my name is Ali, and I am a podcast addict.

Like many, I was introduced to podcasts through the gateway drug of Serial. My junior year of college, I went down to Florida for spring break. We drove all the way from Pittsburgh which was LONG and the perfect time to consume Serial (I believe all the of episodes of season one were out at that point). From there, I've been slowly digging a deeper and deeper hole into podcast addiction. I'm fortunate enough that I do a lot of computer work in my job and have the ability to listen to music, audiobooks, or podcasts while I'm working. Plus, podcasts are perfect for cooking, cleaning, commuting, and getting ready in the morning.

Since I listen to so many podcasts, I wanted to make a post about my favorites. Podcasts, like any creative medium, have so many different things to offer. I listen to a wide variety, but I'd certainly like to expand my horizons to find more to listen to! Basically, I am a monster who cannot be stopped.

Presented in no particular order, my favorite podcasts:

• Good Job Brain was the second podcast I listened to after Serial on that long ride back from Florida. It's four friends who were part of a pub trivia team that decided to make a pub trivia inspired podcast! It's filled with weird trivia and fun quizzes, and ALWAYS brightens my day. It hasn't been updated in forever due to some personal problems with the host (sending prayers to her!) but it has an amazing backlog ready and waiting!
• Up First is how I start all my weekday mornings. (Also the first in many NPR podcasts I'll feature) Hosted by NPR's Morning Edition folks, Up First is a 10-13 minute update on all the big news of the day. It's a great way to get the headlines without feeling overwhelmed first thing in the morning.
• The West Wing Weekly is the podcast I'm listening to as I write (can you effectively write and listen to podcasts? Probably not, but I'm trying anyway). It's a weekly listen through of the The West Wing, one of my favorite shows. There's some really great interviews with cast and writers, as well as the hosts bringing on various experts in the fields the episodes discuss. Sometimes, I think the hosts can be a little rude about various fan theories, but in general it's a great way for me to rewatch The West Wing agin guilt free!
• Another Round was recommended to me by a college friend, and I cannot thank her enough. Heben and Tracy are wonderful hosts and I love their interviewing style. Seriously, every time they giggle brings me so much joy. Heben and Tracy talk a lot about self care, which is crazy important, especially in these endless news cycles. 
• Thirst Aid Kit is a podcast that is probably NOT safe for work. Bim and Nicole talk about their thirst so freely and beautifully. They write fanfiction each week in a competition with each other and it will either make you giggle and squee or fine the need the fan yourself - there's no in between. Also they interviewed Chris Evans, and it was one of the best things I've ever listened to, oh my god.
• Pop Culture Happy Hour was another one of the earliest podcast I listened to. It's a weekly panel about everything and everything pop culture related. The panel talks about movies, tv shows, music, and other big cultural events. Every week they end with what's making them happy (and inspiration for a previous post of mine!), and it's lead me to a lot of really great content. Plus they have such a great variety of co-panelists on the show!
• My Brother, My Brother, and Me was recommended by Lin-Manuel Miranda which he cites as his favorite podcast. I started listening from the beginning, which is not how I recommend consuming the show, because I am a crazy completist. This show is three brothers, Justin, Travis, and Griffin, trying to give advice to listener submitted questions and Yahoo Answers, and it so funny. They're so goofy and play off each other really well. I'm always laughing like crazy when I listen. When you start you will not be able to tell the voices apart, but eventually you'll act as if they're your own brothers.
• The Adventure Zone is my second McElroy podcast on this list. It's the same three brothers with the addition of their father, Clint, playing Dungeons & Dragons. What started as an experiment when Justin went on maternity leave has since become one of my favorite stories of all time. The first arc called TAZ: Balance is an AMAZING story, and I sobbed during the finale. Currently, they're running some experimental arcs before starting a big, new project, so it's the perfect time to jump in.
• Sawbones is my third and final McElroy show on this list. Starring Justin McElroy and his wife Dr. Sydnee McElroy, the two delve into the weird and wild of medical history. They talk about all the dumb stuff humans did that they thought would work, as well as diving into some more serious medical issues; their episodes on the opioid epidemic which has really affected their home state of West Virginia was excellent. This show is so charming!
• By the Book was recommended to me by one of my best friends. It's a show about two friends who try different self-help books for two weeks and see how it affects their lives. It's really fun as you listen excerpts from the hosts during their various experiments and how it is helping or destroying their lives. Both Kristen and Jolenta have really charming husbands who always make little cameos as their wives drag them into these books too.
• Dear Prudence is the most genuine of the advice podcasts I listen to. Mallory Ortberg and typically a guest will answer a huge variety of podcasts. Some of these are so tough to listen to, and therapy is often a suggested solution. However, some of the problems are really fun or just so outrageous I can't wait to hear how Mallory will respond. I certainly want to go to Mallory with all of my problems, because she's very level headed and can see so many different sides to situations. This is another great bingeable podcast to go into the backlist.
• Judge John Hodgman was a podcast I heard so many other podcasts mention, and I'm glad I finally gave it a try. Internet Judge John Hodgman with help from his bailiff Jesse Thorn listen to disputes amongst family, friends, and coworkers to determine who is right and who is wrong! This show is so charming, because these problems are often really inane but still important to the defendants. It definitely makes you feel good about humanity.
• Dear Hank and John was a podcast I wasn't sure if I'd like, but I ended up getting charmed by. I was a big Nerdfighter in middle and high school, but come college I stopped watching and really following closely the various projects brothers Hank and John did. However, I found I loved this podcast. Hank and John give dubious advice to their listener's questions and it reminds me so much of why I liked the Green Brothers in the first place. Plus, it's the best source for news from Mars and AFC Wimbledon.
• NPR Politics Podcast is the only politics podcast I listen to. There's only so much politics news that I can consume, and NPR politics makes sure I get the big hits. They posted twice a week and more if there's breaking news. They explain things so well, and keep me up to date without having a panic attack. I started listening during the 2016 presidential debates and have been hooked ever since.
• It's Been a Minute with Sam Sanders is hosted by Sam Sanders, whose ads for the NPR Politics podcast is what drove me to try that show. Sam posts two shows a week; the first is an interview with people Sam finds interesting (authors, reporters, writers, etc) and the second is a Friday weekly wrap. I love the style of Sam's weekly wrap up which finish every week with listener submitted clips of them sharing the best part of the week. I've cried multiple times and I'm okay with it.
• Keep It is the newest podcast on this list, but I'm well beyond sold. Inspired by Ira Madison III's famous twitter catchphrase (a fabulous twitter follow by the way!), Ira and cohosts Kara and Louis talk about what's going on in the world that week. They share a Keep It each week, which basically means something that shouldn't exist. Plus, Ira has interviews too. This show is so joyous and I want to listen to Louis name all of Meryl's Oscar nominations every week.
• Code Switch is a must listen. The team covers such a wide range of stories related to race and culture in the United States. I've cried while listening, and I've learned A LOT. It's really expertly produced and the episodes aren't overly long so it's easily digestible.
• Wait, Wait Don't Tell Me was one of the hallmarks of my childhood. I had Saturday morning acting classes as a kid, and my mom would always be listening to NPR when she picked me up. This and Car Talk always take me back. When I realized I could listen every week via podcast, I was instantly sold. It talks about weird news with a variety of delightful panelists and has such a great selection of guests!
• Never Before with Janet Mock was one of my favorite new listens of last year. Janet Mock has a gorgeous voice that I love listening to. She's also a fabulous interviewer! She digs in deep with her guests and gets them to open and share so well. Her finale episode (of season 1!) with Kris Jenner was incredible.
• Sooo Many White Guys is a show I desperately miss and hope it comes back! Phoebe Robinson, a black woman, interviews guests who are not straight white guys. She has so much fun with her guests and her laughter is incredibly joyous. She also ends each season with a token white guy so that white men won't feel left out after all. One of which is Tom Hanks, and the episode had me smiling the whole time!
• The Read is definitely the funniest show I listen to. Crissles and Kid Fury discuss what's going on in black pop culture, answer listener letters, and read someone every week (which is essentially them cussing someone out and explaining why they were wrong). I'm white, but still find so much of what they say hilarious. They don't use explanatory comments, so I've had to google people, but they just make me crack up ESPECIALLY the wild listener letters. Also their episode with Levar Burton was amazing. 
• UnHappy Hour with Matt Bellassai is a treasure. I've adored Matt's comedy since his Wine About It video series, and this is a great extension. Matt talks about the worst parts of the week, goes on depth on rants about terrible things (his first episode focuses on Texas which I had visited shortly before his show came out and I was laughing hysterically) and has really interesting guests! It's also a show a couple of my friends listen to and we'll laugh about what he mentions.
• Nancy is, like Code Switch, a really necessary podcast, Kathy and Tobin talk about a variety of LGBT issues. They have excellent interviews and such a great range of topics that I think is important for any straight allies to listen to. Kathy and Tobin also have a great rapport as hosts and make the show really enjoyable.

I know this reads like A LOT (and it is), but it really helps me get through the week. I'm sure I'll discover even more podcasts this year, and I'm sure a part 2 will becoming. Until then, I'm gonna head back into Podcast land. Tell my family I miss them.

some things making me happy

January has simultaneously felt like the longest month while also flying by. I'm not quite sure how that happens, but I'm glad for January to be over. I've been back in my apartment this week after staying with my mom while my ankle recovered. I'm not fully recovered just yet, but it feels great to have some of my independence back!

This afternoon, I called my grandma because she wanted updates on my ankle, and I wanted updates on my cousin's brand new baby born this week! My aunt sent me photos of the newest grandkid, and he is absolutely beautiful. I cannot wait to meet him! My grandma was glad to hear I was healing well, and I told her that really everything was fine and could have been worse. But it's true! I'm fortunate to be healthy overall, to live in the same city with my parents so that they could take care of me, and to have health insurance to pay for my surgery (well MOST of my surgery, but I don't want to talk about all my adult health insurance struggles). My grandma was proud of my good attitude, but it's true! Breaking my ankle absolutely sucked, but the situation could have been so much worse, and it's good for me to remember that.

In fact, it's important to reflect on the good things we have in life. Inspired by my conversation earlier today, and my one of favorite podcasts, Pop Culture Happy Hour, I wanted to make a list of things that have been making me happy lately.

• I started a bullet journal this week! I've lurked on the bullet journal tag on tumblr for so long, and I just took the leap to start this. I'm leaning more into the creative side and trying to work on my art skills rather than just it as a minimalist type planner. It's an exciting new creative endeavor!
• The Adventure Zone is a podcast I ADORE, and I've been obsessed with this fan-made animatic. There's some MAJOR spoilers for the whole show, but it's just a perfect clip. Also, listen to The Adventure Zone, it is such an incredible narrative journey.

• After surgery, I was barely able to focus on anything, which made reading really difficult. I also had difficulty paying attention to TV or films. So I just binged a ton of SacconeJoly videos. They're a UK based vlogging family, and they're just so joyful. I'm a bit torn about how I feel about people vlogging their children, but I also love watching their three kids. As Walt Whitman says, I contain multitudes!

• This gif of Blue Ivy. I greatly look forward to whatever Blue Ivy decides to do in the future. She'll kick ass no matter what.
• Sudoku! I discovered a book of sudoku puzzles while staying with my mom, and I've loved completing these puzzles. I've always really liked the logic of playing sudoku, and I used to be obsessed with a sudoku app, but it's really a lot more satisfying to do it with pencil and paper.

yes, I know this lighting is TERRIBLE, oh well

• Lastly, this makeup look. I was really happy with how this look turned out. I much prefer a bold lip to a nude lip, but doing something lighter with a pinky nude gloss actually turned out well. I used this palette from ColourPop for my eyes, which you NEED an eyeshadow primer for, otherwise these colors crease like crazy. But with a primer, they stayed all day and looked amazing.

I feel great writing about things that make me happy, especially because with the makeup and bullet journal since it's things I created. Writing in this blog is a great exercise for me, and it makes me smile to round up things that have brought me joy lately.